She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
