I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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