we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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