I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The ass gains better be worth it
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