Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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