I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
