According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
