I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
