I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
