mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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