I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
