allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
