I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
