He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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