Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
