dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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