I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
