Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
