Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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