my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
