Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
