Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im holly from the hills drunk
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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