Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Randomize
