Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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