Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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