Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
