so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
