she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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