So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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