I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
