the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
