he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
