I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
