My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
