You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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