I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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