I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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