then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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