I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
