So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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