i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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