my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
