I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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