How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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