I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
