I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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