I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
