Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
