He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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