I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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