It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
