How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
