the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
