i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
